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BAD EXORCIST
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{\an8}1410 RECIPES BY SISTER LEOKADIA
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You really are a tool, Wiktor.
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Not only is waste collection point free,
it's twice as close as these woods.
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My grandfather used to
dump trash in the woods.
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Seriously?
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My father used to dump trash in the woods.
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- Wiktor--
- And my son--
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I'm your son-in-law, not your son.
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I may call you "Dad" in front of Basia,
but I won't dump trash in the woods.
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Roman, I will not be around forever.
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Just promise me one thing.
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That was close.
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What a clunker.
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Please tell me you have a spare wheel.
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But I have a jack.
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There you go.
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Out of fuel.
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Gentlemen, please let me in.
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Or at least let me hide in the trash.
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I'll pay you--
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Priest Natan
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All fear him, even
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Satan!
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Ouch!
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This crucifix whip is effective,
but in the wrong hands...
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Archbishop?
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Yes.
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Yes.
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I'll be there in a minute.
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I'm here.
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Isn't it too early for alcohol?
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Don't look at me.
It's four hours until the first Mass.
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Oh no.
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Archbishop, what is this bum doing here?
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Natan...
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Do you know how many liquor stores
would be closed if it weren't for me?
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I'm a hero in some circles.
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To me, you'll always be a zero.
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Zero is what your dad was thinking
when he didn't use a condom.
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You...!
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Enough!
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Put away the crucifix whip.
It's not a toy.
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In the wrong hands...
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Anyway, never mind.
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Are you familiar with this reading?
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The Bible?
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Then no. Too thick.
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You idiot, it's a sacred book.
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Written in code. Sister had a vision.
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There is a prophecy hidden between
the cabbage rolls and the brownie.
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Sister was a real piece of work,
so the prophecy is bawdy.
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Archbishop, please.
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Oh, right. I grant you a dispensation.
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One kilogram of boneless
pork shoulder mince.
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And he spun her like the devil!
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Because he was the devil.
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One finely diced onion.
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Rear entry, front entry.
Reverse missionary.
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Allspice, bay leaf.
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And even though it was supposed
to be a drunken adventure...
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Pour in water or broth.
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...she became pregnant with the devil.
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Add some salt and two tablespoons of oil.
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The end.
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But Archbishop,
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that's just a juicy story for seminarians
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for long, lonely evenings,
since there's no Internet in the seminary.
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That's why you know it by heart.
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Every priest knows it.
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That's why the confessional priest
of the Słupki parish
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immediately called the yellow phone.
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Even if it's true,
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I'm not working with this simp.
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You won't have to.
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{\an8}What a shame.
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What a shame.
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They're gonna break our window
with dung, and they'll be in the right.
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Danka.
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Danka, try to remember this fella,
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and you'll be married in a month.
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Who was the clever one
to get you knocked up? Oślica?
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I don't think so.
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Then who? Zbuk?
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Zbuk!
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And I showed him how to sow carrots.
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Not to plant, but to sow.
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Dad, how can it be Zbuk? He's in prison.
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This is how discos end.
Disco polo, booze, and pregnant belly!
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What are you talking about?
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I know what I'm talking about.
How do you think we made you?
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The guy from Milano sang so beautifully
that your mom went with just about anyone.
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But I had my pride!
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The next day, I came shaved and washed,
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and asked old Baciura for permission.
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And now?
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The fiancé's there, he just left!
Besides, Danusia isn't pregnant.
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She's just fat.
That's right, we can afford it.
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- Father?
- Does Danuta Bączek live here?
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OMEN DISCO
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Omen Disco?
Boss, it's closed during the day.
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For a nip go to the store.
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You heard, Domino? Go to the store.
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Yes, sir.
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It's good that Domino's back.
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- That was rough, huh?
- Don't even remind me.
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In the countryside,
children are only conceived in discos.
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If the girl got pregnant,
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it must have happened in the loo
or in this parking lot.
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This is where we'll set up our ambush.
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Get undressed.
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So you're saying it's not a guy,
but the devil himself, Father?
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- That's right.
- Got the envelope, buddy?
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Then why are you talking nonsense?
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Oh! It's your baby,
you wolf in sheep's clothing.
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How else would you know that?
This is what we're gonna do.
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Take off your collar, and tomorrow
we'll publish the announcement.
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I'm surprised, though.
Such a handsome boy.
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You could do better.
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Danusia, I found him!
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Do you hear me?
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Danka!
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Holy moly, Danusia's waters just broke.
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What? But there's still time.
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Devils do it faster.
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Just one crumb...
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Relax, I'll eat it off the floor too.
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Boss, isn't there another way?
I'm a little embarrassed.
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Two men tried to drag me to the loo
and one to the dance floor.
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That's the point! It's good.
That's how it's supposed to be.
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No, thanks.
Sorry, I'm waiting for someone.
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Damn, I'm cold in this dress.
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But that's nothing compared
to how much these heels hurt.
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Boss, something's going on outside.
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This could be it.
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Marcinek, under no circumstances
should you not get into this car.
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But how, Boss?
Can't you see the competition here?
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And they're real girls.
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Come on, Marcinek, don't be so modest.
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Over and out!
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I'm really sorry.
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You'll thank me someday.
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Hi. Nice car.
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Oh, a girl with initiative.
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Would you like a ride?
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{\an8}I can see the head.
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Just as I thought, a horned bastard.
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And how ugly!
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Quickly, Mr. Bączek, start the buzz saw!
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Mr. Bączek, hurry up!
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- Jesus!
- The coffin's ready.
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- What now?
- The hardest part.
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We have to put it in there
and detonate the charge.
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Oh no...
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I told you not to go that far.
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Let them look!
You have tinted windows anyway!
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I'm embarrassed!
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It may sound silly on a first date,
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but I have a small dick.
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But the size doesn't matter.
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Trust me, it does.
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Watch out. Now push me forward!
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It's not gonna work.
I have to call Bączek for a tractor.
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Done. He's dead.
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Thank God the baby survived.
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Hello?
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No can do.
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- Who's that?
- Oślica. He's stuck again.
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Now it's "Mr. Bączek," and yesterday
he almost broke our windows with manure.
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Fucking Bączek.
The whole family deserves each other.
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A pregnant teenage daughter
with no baby daddy in sight.
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What a damn shame.
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Shit, I hope it's not mine.
No, I'm sure it's not.
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Who believes the erotic fantasies
of an old nun?
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This book is sold at the post office.
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Speaking of which,
will you handle my male parts?
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Marcinek, now!
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Sorry, Boss. I won't go that far.
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Now it's your turn.
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Oh well.
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An ambush?
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Boss, he got me!
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That's the original paint!
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I'm gonna kill you!
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Marcinek, now!
186
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I'm going to hell for this.
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Oh, so it's that small. Are you ill?
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No. I was born like this.
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I've seen pussies bigger than this.
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Yeah, like you've seen a pussy. Look!
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Oh no!
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What a shame!
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He burned with shame.
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Let's go back, or I'll burn too.
195
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No need, Mr. Bączek.
196
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I took the first one instinctively,
but if I really wanted to charge you,
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even your inheritance wouldn't be enough.
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Never mind, God bless.
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Wait, Father.
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We are poor, so let us at least
return the favor in this way.
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Cabbage rolls.
You don't have these in the city.
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{\an8}THE END
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{\an8}Exorcist for less than three hundred
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{\an8}Actually, for two hundred
More if you want an invoice
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{\an8}Watch out, Beelzebutt
He will kick your butt
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{\an8}Watch out, Buttcifer
He will get you in his sights